I came from a family who played out their fantasy of making me invisible. However, I would suddenly become visible when it was time to have a scape goat. Life was hard when I was a child, but, for some reason, it feels as if it is getting harder the older I get.
I am now at an age where reality in the employment market is that unless you are the cute 20, 30, or early 40 year old, you can forget about using your maturity, experience, and skills that have been honed over a life time in an actual job. Instead, you will find us being bell ringers, Walmart Welcome personnel, or doing nothing. If you are well educated, it is as if you have the plague. They will not touch you or have the decency to send you a letter that says, “I’m sorry you took the time out of your busy day to respond to our ad. However, you are far too educated to fit in our world. I’m sorry that you spent so much money on your education as well as time and energy only to discover that it would not benefit you. Please do not contact us again.”
The dilemma I currently face, which is worse than any of the above, is my philosophical view on life. Unfortunately, it places me within a group that is minuscule making it very difficult to find others. I am alone and invisible. I didn’t know that my childhood experiences would follow me to my grave.
I’m not sure if my perception of this world is real. I talk with others in my age group and a waterfall of complaints come pouring out of their mouths. Complaints include:
We are no longer accepted or approved of by our younger populations; we are not valued; we are disliked and, more than that, we have become their scapegoats, when they cannot find the courage within themselves to take responsibility for their own grief. We sound more and more like the older generation who used to stomp on our lives as strongly as we stomp on theirs. Yes, life is nothing more than a circle that continues to repeat itself over and over and over again.
I was attending a workshop recently. I had mentioned to the facilitator that I needed to make my mark in the world with my writing because I felt that I only had a maximum of 20 years left. A 30 year old began to question me rather rigorously as to why I felt this way. All I could say was, “I just know it within myself.” That wasn’t enough. She needed an explanation that she could understand and I couldn’t provide. How do you tell someone that we’re not immortal when from their viewpoint, they still have another 50 years on this planet? They are in the prime of their lives. Employers still want them. How do you tell them you know because you’ve lived life from another time and space? You know because you’ve experienced so much pain in this life time that the only place to go is the ethers because it seems like that is the only place where there is a lack of judgment and a lack of need.
Life is hard and it’s only getting harder. Maybe, some time along my way, I will find peace. But not today.